The Difference

All my life, people thought I was painfully shy. I wasn’t shy. I would look strangers in the eye, listen to every word, but I couldn’t speak. I was challenged with a disorder called Selective Mutism. My non-verbal body language was confident, but my silent stare made strangers uncomfortable. For the longest time, my nickname was "The Judge."

I remember not speaking for days... I remember my parent's telling me, "You have to say something. You are being rude." I physically could not do it. I would not talk to my grandmother, teachers, friends. It wasn't the person, but rather the situation. I was quite the chatter box once I was comfortable and alone with my mother, father, and brother. I knew I had to do something, because there was so much that I wanted to say to those around me, but I simply couldn't.

So, at the age of eight, I decided to try something scary... I wanted to join a club. I decided 4-H was the one for me when a group of members came to my elementary school and there were teens standing tall and proud, talking about their opportunities and accomplishments. I knew I wanted to be just like them one day.

Of course, it was a slow process. However, 4-H met me at the level I was at. I could not speak to my fellow club members, but I could talk to my dog. I naturally then chose the dog project. I had no idea that Ike, my first 4-H dog, would provide me with the confidence I needed. I could verbally tell him to sit. Even if it was a whisper in the beginning, it grew to a confident command. Then, I was challenged with teaching other club member how to train their dogs. This took some time because, well, I had to talk to them. But, I did it! Then, the next step was a club presentation and so on and so on... 4-H continually offered challenges for me that I was able to be successful at. They gave me the opportunity to challenge myself by choice. I knew I wanted to talk. I was never forced to, but rather encouraged, and when the time came, I was comfortable enough to speak. My 4-H family was so patient and helped me through every step. It was exactly what I needed; to be included.

When 4-H says it is a positive youth development program, they mean it. Anyone, and I mean anyone, can participate, learn, and grow. There are so many lessons learned within the program. Looking back after completing my youth development minor, I see where the small inserts were made to push youth to develop and discover. I can see how it molded me into who I am. For that, I am forever grateful. That is why I continue to be involved. That is why I give back and push for others to join.

Look at me, for example, at the age of eight, I couldn’t have imagined that as a teen I would thrive in leadership roles! But, I did. I decided that if I could overcome Selective Mutism, I could do ANYTHING!

My overall participation in 4-H was very aggressive and deliberate. I intentionally involved myself outside my comfort zone and usual interest areas, so I can have a deeper understanding of myself, my interests, my dislikes, and my boundaries. I was able to learn so much about myself and others over my 11 years within the program.

I had the opportunity to succeed and I had the opportunity to fail. There is a lot of power in overcoming an enormous challenge.

Truly, I delight in the irony in my life. However, my favorite irony is that, unbeknownst to the authors, I, a girl challenged with Selective Mutism, has her photo published in a 4-H project book titled, Finding YourVoice: Public Speaking Made Easy.

Now, I am an agricultural communication major and thriving. Of course, my anxiety never "went away." It simply transformed. I still struggle with various triggers, but 4-H has taught me to be strong. I know to ask for help when I need it, and I have. I do not see this as a fault, but rather a personal obstacle. It's inconvenient, but these are the cards that I have been dealt and I refuse to stop playing the game.

4-H has made a difference in my life. Now, I plan to use my voice to serve others and to, “Make The Best Better.”